HARVEY THE BEAR

Harvey the bear went salmon fishing in his favourite stream, just below the great white cliffs and green trees of what bears called the Gruffyhuff. It was spawning season and the waters seethed with fish. Brown and big and with paws that could smash small tree trunks Harvey went about his business.

--

One great big brown paw smashed through the water and Simon so intent on fighting the current and dazzled by the sun and so goddamned horny in this freshwater migration didn't even try to swerve. Stunned and with a possibly ruptured spleen the next thing he saw were great big teeth.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Simon.

--

Holy shit the salmon was screaming. Harvey looked at it and yes the salmon, tasty thing it was, in fact, was emitting a high pitched noise from a gaping mouth.

"Holy shit you're screaming," said the bear.

"What the christ," said his prey.

"What the, you can speak," said Harvey.

This was, Harvey realised, a very odd situation.

--

Either the bear is speaking salmon or the concussion is, thought Simon.

--

"Please don't kill me, Mr Bear," said Simon. He lay very still. Simon thought that if he tried to flop away the hairy bastard would probably just spear it with one of its huge-ass nails and rip out his entrails and there goes his one chance at mating.

"Francis. Harvey Francis. My name is not Bear. Bear is a species," said Harvey.

"My name is Simon," said the salmon.

"Simon the Salmon. How original," said Harvey.

"I don't want to die," said Simon.

"You prefer to be eaten alive?" said Harvey.

"No," said Simon.

"I really don't understand how we're understanding each other," said Harvey. "It doesn't make sense. What could this mean."

"Metaphysics for another time please, I can't breathe," said Simon.

TO BE CONTINUED